JC's Birthday

I decided to get Jesus a present for christmas this year. No one ever leaves a present for him under the tree and its his birthday. I got him sandals. After 2000 years, his sandals must be worn down. I went with the fake beige Crocs, they are just as good as the real ones. Hope you enjoy Jesus.

Weird Thoughts About Money

Today i had these abstract thoughts about money.

1) Basically money is an accepted commodity everywhere. So when purchasing presents for the holiday season, isn't it kind of weird to give someone a gift card and limit their spending to one abstract place. Wouldn't money be the more robust solution?

2) When you take a girl out on a date, maybe to a nice restaurant and then to a movie/play that both of you really could have lived without, in the end, aren't you just really paying to have sexual relations with this girl. Basically you're doing the same thing as prostitution, except with a prostitute, you at least know you're getting some at the end of the night.

School Coma

As soon as school is over, i am taking a coma. 1000 hours is what im hoping for. Everyday closer, i feel like this burden of stress is piling higher on top of my shoulders. I've endured enough for four years so if you're wondering where i am for the next 41 + 9 days, i will be in my bed. You may come visit me if you like.

Santa

All i wanna know is how he gets into houses without chimneys or with closed chimneys. im unlocking my door this year so he can just give me a high five. also im going to leave some del taco out. all those cookies probably get disgusting. give him some real food.

Katie Couric Knows You Dont Txt Msg Brake-up

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4632722n

Red Vine Straws

I think instead of going into the gas station, purchasing a delicious 32 oz soda, and grabbing a plastic straw to suck it down, they should give you a red vine. its much more economical this way, and it tastes better. you bite off both ends of the red vine, then suck. when you're done with the drink, you eat the straw and everyones happy.

Love maker

Run away and play your games, hide real well so I can't find you
I will wait for summer to come then laugh as the trees burn down around you
Your body is just a test for me and if I run as fast as I can
The thought of your memory will catch up with me

I'm always late with my words
I should have told you, but I never really cared
You always got the worst of me.

It's a shame, but you're still lying broken here in this moment, everything just seems so clear
Because her body was just a test, you see and if you run as fast as you can
The thought of my memory will catch up, you'll see

When summer passes, I'll let go if you don't feel me, just dig yourself out
When summer passes, let me know so I can find meaning to live

I'm always late with my words
I should have told you, but I never really cared
You always misled me

A New Life

Lately i just want to move away. Forget my name, forget my face, forget my life and start a new one. It seems to be every good and bad decision i make in my current life, never works out the way i want it to. I think i might change my name to Chase Brunswick and move to Seattle. I'll write acoustic songs and play them on the street, rain or shine. People would casually walk by and slip me change. At least i would have something to look forward to everyday. 

Climb

Today at the gym, i climbed Mount McKinley, which is the highest mountain in the United States. Its hard to stare up at a TV while on the treadmill so i decided to visually run to Alaska. Then i hopped on an ellipitical and climbed the mountain. It was a steep climb at 12 resistance. As i got towards the peek it increased to 15 resistance. Crazy that it was only two miles to climb but it gave me something to do at the gym.

U Cant Txt Msg Brkup

I dont care who you are, you dont text someone that you dont want to see them anymore. Breaking up with someone over text message is the equivalent of crapping on their heart, putting it in a brown paper sack on their door step, lighting it on fire, and running away. Get a clue, i'll go Alanis Morissette on you.

Big Spoon and Lids

Today as i was preparing my cereal, i found the most gigantic spoon and decided to induldge my cereal with it. I dont know why, but eating with a big spoon makes me feel better. That spoon pwns those apple jacks, and because you're in control of the spoon, you have all the power.  As i finished my cereal, feeling very sastified, i grabbed a yogurt from the fridge. As i tore off the lid, i noticed there was a campaign for breast cancer. It read that if you send in your lid, they will contribute money towards a foundation to help prevent breast cancer. I was immeaditely puzzled. With all the money they spent on producing the special lids, marketing them, and the fact that only about 1/1000 of the people that eat their yogurt will actually send in the lids, why didnt they just give all that wasted money toward the breast cancer foundation in first place.  When you tear off the lids, it should read: "thanks for eating our yogurt, you just contributed x amount of money toward breast cancer."

Wedding

When i get married, i dont want it to be formal. I would rather it be a reflection of the creative, style oriented person i am. I would want Vans to design my checkered colored tux. Of course i would wear slip-ons to match. My groomsmen would all be dressed similar. The wedding itself would take place on a skyscraper overlooking the city, or in a garden with a maze. The bride would have to walk through a maze in order to reach the alter, that way you know she's smart. She would be wearing a betsy johnson style bridal dress and her matrons sporting all different patterns. There would be a big buffet with the best kinds of food. Nacho cheese fountain for sure. A sweet cover band would be playing old songs, but they add in their own vulgar lyrics here and there. Dancing would ensue, and for the little kids, nintendo. And when everyone leaves, they get a present and some great memories.

How A Chili Dog Tried To Ruin My Life

The other night i came home from work and school starving. I decided to make a delicious chili dog. In fact, i was so hungry, i decided to make three. I smothered the hot dogs inside the buns with Nalley's chili, cheese, and some ketchup to top it off. Overall, i was sastified with the way the meal went. I studied for a while and then went to bed. I wasnt tired, but it was one or two in the morning and i had to work in the morning, not to mention take my test which i had been studying immensly for.  So i lay down. Almost immeaditely my stomach starts rumbling. It was like the noise you make when you're gargling Listernine mouth wash, except it was in my stomach, and it was chili instead of the mouth wash. I layed there for a few hours listening to the rumble in the bronx, texting anybody who was awake. By this time im so out of it i am just wide awake thinking random thoughts. A little more time passes, and i look at the clock. It was six a.m.  Ugh, i eventually came in and out of sleep and woke up at 10 a.m. I didnt go to work (it was too late to do that, cause i had to go to school at 1). So i get up, go and take my test, go to traffic school, and come home. My stomach never felt so worse all day.  Basically Nalley's chili is trying to ruin my school, work, and social life. 

DUIS

Late last night we went to sconecutters and got a delicious treat. An exteremely random event occurred while there. Some homeless looking younger adults came in, rumaged through the garbage, found a half eaten scone, and ate it. Probably one of the grossest things i ever seen. Luckily we were sitting behind some leaves to disguise us and i had already finished my dessert. Shortly after that we left, and i decided to go on a drive by myself on legacy parkway. So im going along listening to my music when i see the dreaded flashing blue and red lights. I pull over to the side and roll down my window. 

The officer comes up and asks me for my license and registration and walks back to his car. Upon his return, his face was overcome with a serious stern look. He asks in a demeaning tone "you been sconing tonight?" My brain instantly responded "no," then i hesistated and said "well... i've had one, but it was over an hour ago." The officer asks me to step out of the car and proceeds to give me the DUIS sobriety test. It was a simple test, you just had to blow on a bee shaped breathalyzer and see if would detect if there was any honeybutter in your system.  I blew a 1.5, which is way over the legal limit of .08 percent. He gave me a ticket for driving under the influence of scones. Probably the worst day of my life, but i'd do it again, for those scones. So gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.

Green Powerade

A few months ago I stopped drinking soda pop and focused my attention towards sports drinks, specifically Powerade. The green squall flavor happens to be my favorite. After a long day i often look forward to partaking in that delicious green beverage. This was not the case in California. During the trip, maybe after the beach, i would feel parched and depleted. I would then resort to going to the local gas statioin or grocery store to fulfill my thirst. As i looked upon all the Powerade sports drinks i noticed that there was one color missing: green! Store after store, they were all the same. Its like it didnt exist down there. It had been forgotten. I was so distraught by this i decided to research it and find some revealing information. Apparently people were driving and drinking green powerade, and got attacked by aliens so the governator banned it. 

I hope i dont get abducted by aliens.

Last Action Hero

This has been a widely dispute issue since the beginning of cheesey action movies with unclever lines and "realistic" scenarios: Who is the greatest action hero of all time? I think they need to gather all the actors into one arena and have a cage match. Its members would include Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steven Segal, Sylvester Stallone, Clint Eastwood, Bruce Willis, Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, and others. Fight until the death.

It would appear on pay per view for 29.99. Money worth spending.

Beach Bum

After traveling to california, i decided i want to become a beach bum. Beach bums are a little bit different than your stereotypical transient. They usually wear cut off booty jeans and have a sensational dark brown tan. Their hair is long and greasy, which only accents their ridiculous facial hair. Their arms are riddled with faded green sailor tattooes that look like they cost five dollars.  Their "place of living" consists of a four square foot shaded area made out of umbrellas, old lawn chairs, and blue tarps. Suprisingly, real estate like that goes for about a million. 

This is my dream.

Buzz

Yesterday i dressed up like a bee and stung my friend. Of course it was a joke. I would never actually sting someone. Its not a pleasant experience. You swell, itch, and relish in pain all for the sake of some other bee's pride. I dont know why they just dont mind their own bee-ness. Its not like anyone is trying to pick a fight with them. Now that i think about it, bees are like jocks: dumb and always trying to pick fights to show off their stingers. I hate jocks and other bees.

Shaving

The other day i was up at little cottonwood canyon with the crew and some dude in the pool decided he didnt like the amount of chest and pubic hair on his body. So he decided to shave it right then, IN THE POOL, with his mach 3. what possesses people to go against every bit of common sense they've accrued in their life and do something soooo stupid. it would be like me going up to chuck norris and picking a fight with him. it doesnt make sense. i feel like im taking crazy pills

Grudge Ring Halloween

Last night i dreamed that i wanted to dress up like a big tv screen for halloween. Once inside the party i will make my way into the crowded living room and sit down. i will play a vhs tape with bizarre screen shots of a girl and a well. everyone's cell phone will receive a text. seven minutes later the ring girl (played by brent) will crawl out of the opening of my box. I will pour water and make a noise, like the tv has no reception. She will not say anything, just crawl in a exorcist like fashion toward her victims and frighten them. gonna be so grudgtastic.

Coffee Cancer

As most of you already know, coffee can indirectly cause you to have cancer. If you disagree with this, there are two simple facts. Cancer is cells that have uncontrolled growth and spread to parts of your body. Coffee contains antioxidants that help prevent cells from receiving damage and progress their growth. Combine that with some barry white albums, and you have a dangerous cancer growth the size of a football. Next time i see you drinking coffee, i am going push the cup up in and around your face. its my obligation and I will fight against coffee cancer and anyone that harbors it.

iPhone

Ten years ago Apple was on the brink of declaring bankruptcy, taking their innovative computing down with them. Today they are the third best selling music source in the world, which is played on the most popular mp3 player ever. Recently they pursued the phone market with the "iPhone". Like any other Apple innovation, it is a world wide sensation. I recently decided i wanted to get an iPhone, but am afraid of one thing: Steve Jobs has implemented a subconscious audible wave into all his products, effectively making you buy Apple products. Im not sure how the semantics work, but it is the only plausible explanation for why Apple has made such a huge turnaround. Even as i am typing this on my PowerMac, my keyboard is resisting the words and typing hate messages to me in texteditor. I must hurry and post this before they tell Jobs.

Pwn Rangers

Out of all the power rangers i would want to be the color black. Seems like the more fashionably sensible one (what doesn't go with black). Instead of the mastodon dinozord, i would elect Zordon to make me a brontosaurzord. It would be nice to know that out of all the dinosaurs out there, im the biggest and most friendly with rocket seeking missles. In case Zordon declined to not build my dinozord, i would blackmail him with incriminating pictures of his binary oil love affair he had with alpha one night when he got wasted on superman crystal tea. Also i would convince the other rangers that the name power rangers isnt very appealing, preferably we could call ourselves the pwn rangers. When we come together to form our dinozard and it would be so 1337. Had i been able to be apart of the team, Rita Repulsa wouldnt have been able to withstand one tv season.

Cone

Sleeping, breathing, living in asphalt isn't exactly what i had in mind. I wanted to be a freshly seasoned tree or a helpful lamp post lighting up the city at night. Do something good for the world i live in, instead, i lie in the street, constantly surrounded by gravel and bright orange worker bees moving me around. I'm not sure why they choose the color orange. Just once, they could paint me a bright green or soft yellow. Its not too much to ask.

I've grown accustom to the traffic buzzing back and forth. It's almost as if i dont hear them anymore. I've been on working on this street for two days and im ready to move on. I never know where im going next. They just pick me up, along with the others, and head to the next site. Maybe they'll take me to a lake that needs a newly paved road, or a scenic bridge stretching over mountains. Thats the only thing i have to look forward to.

As i am thinking of all the places i could go, a silver car has pulled up next to me, waiting for the orange workers to direct her into the oncoming lanes. After several attempts by the worker bee to try and stop traffic, her patience is rewarded with a brief clearing. She guns it and heads straight for me.

My body lie mangled in the street, yet i have never felt so alive. This was the first excitment i had since i fell off the truck. All the others were watching and laughing. I couldnt help but smile back. The worker briskly walks over, picks me up, and reforms me back to my original shape. He shakes his head in disbelief and places me back in my spot. This will be a day i will never forget.

In A Relationship

I decided to change my relationship status on Myspace and Facebook to portray me as being in a relationship. The effect it had on my day was different.

I woke up in a warm occupied bed, and happily got ready for work. My clothes had been pressed and were folded neatly on the dresser. Below them laid my shoes. They glimmered black as i laced them up. I hadnt even remembered shining them. As i was leaving there was a packed lunch in a blue neoprene tote. The contents included a pbj (with strawberry instead), baked chips, fruit, a delicious chocolate snack pak, and a note, which i savored for later. When i headed out the door, i was met with an affectionate goodbye.

On the way to work i drove carefully and obeyed all the signs posted on the hazardous road, careful not to hit any cones. As i walked into the office, i suddenly was acknowledging people i never associated with before. I sat down at my desk and began my work. The day seemed to go by much faster as i worked diligently on my mac. At lunchtime, i unpacked my lunch and read the letter. Its words filled me with joy, more than any sack lunch could have. "I was once lost, but now im found. Was blind, but now i see."

After lunch i engaged in a conversation with a coworker. It was filled with charades that only people in a relationship would understand. We profused back and forth and i returned to my desk. Before long, the work day was over. I carefully headed home.

The house smelled like dinner as i entered the door. We sat down and ate the appetizing chicken with rice, discussing each of our days, interested in the most irksome details. We finished and i helped clean up. The evening entertainment was a classic black and white movie on the sofa. Her presence in my arms was calming and endearing. After the movie, we headed to bed. I never really liked the feeling of sleeping next to someone, but i could endure for her. That night i never slept so poorly/well in my life.

I woke up and changed my status back to single.

iLife in iMax

Last night i went and saw an iMax movie with an amazazing girl. Life seems more interesting when it's two hundred times bigger than it should be. So i wondered what my day would be like if it were in iMax.

The soundtrack would begin to the tune of a combination of boring gossip talk and the seldom oldies classic songs that fill up time in between rants and rave. The camera would then pan across my queen size bed capturing me hitting the snooze for just a little bit longer. Eventually I arise from my slumber and engage myself in a bowl of Smart Start, hoping one day that it will actually work. Maybe i should switch to Peanut Butter Crunch, as i heard so many good things. I then return to my room and prepare for the day. It's more work then you think. I have to make my hair look presentable and also remember the last time i wore this shirt and those pants. I eventually settle, grab my car keys, and head out the door, water in one hand, frozen din in the other.

Once outside, the camera has more room to captivate overhead helicopter angles of my car traversing through the traffic bound highway into the city. I arrive at my destination. The singular angle of my cubicle doesnt leave much to the imagination of the audience. The camera guy basically stands in one place all day, occasionally moving to follow me to the bathroom or breakroom.

Pointless hours go by of me working at my computer, and when the work day is near an end, there is a slight rise of action when we go outside to play hackey sack and talk about all funny stories from past weekend parties or the ten year older cougar so and so is dating. We all file back inside and slowly dwindle until the workday is over. Progressive rock music blairs on the soundtrack as i head back home.

I eat a dinner i didnt prepare and head down to my room. I slowly put on my black suit and cape and head down my secret passage to the cave i call home. I listen to the police scanners for my next adventure and head out into the dark knight to battle another villian. Eventually i make it home, rest for a few hours, and start the cycle on repeat. All in all, I dont think my movie would do too well in the theaters, however, it might draw some attention at Sundance.

Dinosaur Band

Last weekend i had a crazy 3d adventure and decided to start a dinosaur band. I would be a brontosaurus of course. My long slender body and extremely flexible muscles make eating tasty leaves in weird shaped trees an easy fit. Eric said he wanted to be a pterodactyl and Nikki wasn't sure what she could become. I suggested a stegosaurus or a cuteosaurus. Both work because she has a spike in the back of her hair and she is awfully cute. We would tour the world and sing about modern day dinosaurs living in a modern day world. Naturally our lyrics would allude to our past and the questionable truth about Jurassic Park, but our audience is the kids. They want to hear a breakdown where pterodactyl's scream and brontosaurus' roar and cuteosaurus' sing. We would avoid media hype and mtv and stick to our basic claws. One could quickly go extinct if they were to give into the intentions of the cavemen that run the radio. We havent thought of a name for our pack yet. When the time comes, i'm sure it will evolve. So with a little bit of luck and a lot of hope, we'll become the dinosaur band that everyone hoped for.