8/27/08
Shaving
The other day i was up at little cottonwood canyon with the crew and some dude in the pool decided he didnt like the amount of chest and pubic hair on his body. So he decided to shave it right then, IN THE POOL, with his mach 3. what possesses people to go against every bit of common sense they've accrued in their life and do something soooo stupid. it would be like me going up to chuck norris and picking a fight with him. it doesnt make sense. i feel like im taking crazy pills
8/18/08
Grudge Ring Halloween
Last night i dreamed that i wanted to dress up like a big tv screen for halloween. Once inside the party i will make my way into the crowded living room and sit down. i will play a vhs tape with bizarre screen shots of a girl and a well. everyone's cell phone will receive a text. seven minutes later the ring girl (played by brent) will crawl out of the opening of my box. I will pour water and make a noise, like the tv has no reception. She will not say anything, just crawl in a exorcist like fashion toward her victims and frighten them. gonna be so grudgtastic.
8/14/08
Coffee Cancer
As most of you already know, coffee can indirectly cause you to have cancer. If you disagree with this, there are two simple facts. Cancer is cells that have uncontrolled growth and spread to parts of your body. Coffee contains antioxidants that help prevent cells from receiving damage and progress their growth. Combine that with some barry white albums, and you have a dangerous cancer growth the size of a football. Next time i see you drinking coffee, i am going push the cup up in and around your face. its my obligation and I will fight against coffee cancer and anyone that harbors it.
8/13/08
iPhone
Ten years ago Apple was on the brink of declaring bankruptcy, taking their innovative computing down with them. Today they are the third best selling music source in the world, which is played on the most popular mp3 player ever. Recently they pursued the phone market with the "iPhone". Like any other Apple innovation, it is a world wide sensation. I recently decided i wanted to get an iPhone, but am afraid of one thing: Steve Jobs has implemented a subconscious audible wave into all his products, effectively making you buy Apple products. Im not sure how the semantics work, but it is the only plausible explanation for why Apple has made such a huge turnaround. Even as i am typing this on my PowerMac, my keyboard is resisting the words and typing hate messages to me in texteditor. I must hurry and post this before they tell Jobs.
8/12/08
Pwn Rangers
Out of all the power rangers i would want to be the color black. Seems like the more fashionably sensible one (what doesn't go with black). Instead of the mastodon dinozord, i would elect Zordon to make me a brontosaurzord. It would be nice to know that out of all the dinosaurs out there, im the biggest and most friendly with rocket seeking missles. In case Zordon declined to not build my dinozord, i would blackmail him with incriminating pictures of his binary oil love affair he had with alpha one night when he got wasted on superman crystal tea. Also i would convince the other rangers that the name power rangers isnt very appealing, preferably we could call ourselves the pwn rangers. When we come together to form our dinozard and it would be so 1337. Had i been able to be apart of the team, Rita Repulsa wouldnt have been able to withstand one tv season.
8/7/08
Cone
Sleeping, breathing, living in asphalt isn't exactly what i had in mind. I wanted to be a freshly seasoned tree or a helpful lamp post lighting up the city at night. Do something good for the world i live in, instead, i lie in the street, constantly surrounded by gravel and bright orange worker bees moving me around. I'm not sure why they choose the color orange. Just once, they could paint me a bright green or soft yellow. Its not too much to ask.
I've grown accustom to the traffic buzzing back and forth. It's almost as if i dont hear them anymore. I've been on working on this street for two days and im ready to move on. I never know where im going next. They just pick me up, along with the others, and head to the next site. Maybe they'll take me to a lake that needs a newly paved road, or a scenic bridge stretching over mountains. Thats the only thing i have to look forward to.
As i am thinking of all the places i could go, a silver car has pulled up next to me, waiting for the orange workers to direct her into the oncoming lanes. After several attempts by the worker bee to try and stop traffic, her patience is rewarded with a brief clearing. She guns it and heads straight for me.
My body lie mangled in the street, yet i have never felt so alive. This was the first excitment i had since i fell off the truck. All the others were watching and laughing. I couldnt help but smile back. The worker briskly walks over, picks me up, and reforms me back to my original shape. He shakes his head in disbelief and places me back in my spot. This will be a day i will never forget.
I've grown accustom to the traffic buzzing back and forth. It's almost as if i dont hear them anymore. I've been on working on this street for two days and im ready to move on. I never know where im going next. They just pick me up, along with the others, and head to the next site. Maybe they'll take me to a lake that needs a newly paved road, or a scenic bridge stretching over mountains. Thats the only thing i have to look forward to.
As i am thinking of all the places i could go, a silver car has pulled up next to me, waiting for the orange workers to direct her into the oncoming lanes. After several attempts by the worker bee to try and stop traffic, her patience is rewarded with a brief clearing. She guns it and heads straight for me.
My body lie mangled in the street, yet i have never felt so alive. This was the first excitment i had since i fell off the truck. All the others were watching and laughing. I couldnt help but smile back. The worker briskly walks over, picks me up, and reforms me back to my original shape. He shakes his head in disbelief and places me back in my spot. This will be a day i will never forget.
8/6/08
In A Relationship
I decided to change my relationship status on Myspace and Facebook to portray me as being in a relationship. The effect it had on my day was different.
I woke up in a warm occupied bed, and happily got ready for work. My clothes had been pressed and were folded neatly on the dresser. Below them laid my shoes. They glimmered black as i laced them up. I hadnt even remembered shining them. As i was leaving there was a packed lunch in a blue neoprene tote. The contents included a pbj (with strawberry instead), baked chips, fruit, a delicious chocolate snack pak, and a note, which i savored for later. When i headed out the door, i was met with an affectionate goodbye.
On the way to work i drove carefully and obeyed all the signs posted on the hazardous road, careful not to hit any cones. As i walked into the office, i suddenly was acknowledging people i never associated with before. I sat down at my desk and began my work. The day seemed to go by much faster as i worked diligently on my mac. At lunchtime, i unpacked my lunch and read the letter. Its words filled me with joy, more than any sack lunch could have. "I was once lost, but now im found. Was blind, but now i see."
After lunch i engaged in a conversation with a coworker. It was filled with charades that only people in a relationship would understand. We profused back and forth and i returned to my desk. Before long, the work day was over. I carefully headed home.
The house smelled like dinner as i entered the door. We sat down and ate the appetizing chicken with rice, discussing each of our days, interested in the most irksome details. We finished and i helped clean up. The evening entertainment was a classic black and white movie on the sofa. Her presence in my arms was calming and endearing. After the movie, we headed to bed. I never really liked the feeling of sleeping next to someone, but i could endure for her. That night i never slept so poorly/well in my life.
I woke up and changed my status back to single.
I woke up in a warm occupied bed, and happily got ready for work. My clothes had been pressed and were folded neatly on the dresser. Below them laid my shoes. They glimmered black as i laced them up. I hadnt even remembered shining them. As i was leaving there was a packed lunch in a blue neoprene tote. The contents included a pbj (with strawberry instead), baked chips, fruit, a delicious chocolate snack pak, and a note, which i savored for later. When i headed out the door, i was met with an affectionate goodbye.
On the way to work i drove carefully and obeyed all the signs posted on the hazardous road, careful not to hit any cones. As i walked into the office, i suddenly was acknowledging people i never associated with before. I sat down at my desk and began my work. The day seemed to go by much faster as i worked diligently on my mac. At lunchtime, i unpacked my lunch and read the letter. Its words filled me with joy, more than any sack lunch could have. "I was once lost, but now im found. Was blind, but now i see."
After lunch i engaged in a conversation with a coworker. It was filled with charades that only people in a relationship would understand. We profused back and forth and i returned to my desk. Before long, the work day was over. I carefully headed home.
The house smelled like dinner as i entered the door. We sat down and ate the appetizing chicken with rice, discussing each of our days, interested in the most irksome details. We finished and i helped clean up. The evening entertainment was a classic black and white movie on the sofa. Her presence in my arms was calming and endearing. After the movie, we headed to bed. I never really liked the feeling of sleeping next to someone, but i could endure for her. That night i never slept so poorly/well in my life.
I woke up and changed my status back to single.
8/5/08
iLife in iMax
Last night i went and saw an iMax movie with an amazazing girl. Life seems more interesting when it's two hundred times bigger than it should be. So i wondered what my day would be like if it were in iMax.
The soundtrack would begin to the tune of a combination of boring gossip talk and the seldom oldies classic songs that fill up time in between rants and rave. The camera would then pan across my queen size bed capturing me hitting the snooze for just a little bit longer. Eventually I arise from my slumber and engage myself in a bowl of Smart Start, hoping one day that it will actually work. Maybe i should switch to Peanut Butter Crunch, as i heard so many good things. I then return to my room and prepare for the day. It's more work then you think. I have to make my hair look presentable and also remember the last time i wore this shirt and those pants. I eventually settle, grab my car keys, and head out the door, water in one hand, frozen din in the other.
Once outside, the camera has more room to captivate overhead helicopter angles of my car traversing through the traffic bound highway into the city. I arrive at my destination. The singular angle of my cubicle doesnt leave much to the imagination of the audience. The camera guy basically stands in one place all day, occasionally moving to follow me to the bathroom or breakroom.
Pointless hours go by of me working at my computer, and when the work day is near an end, there is a slight rise of action when we go outside to play hackey sack and talk about all funny stories from past weekend parties or the ten year older cougar so and so is dating. We all file back inside and slowly dwindle until the workday is over. Progressive rock music blairs on the soundtrack as i head back home.
I eat a dinner i didnt prepare and head down to my room. I slowly put on my black suit and cape and head down my secret passage to the cave i call home. I listen to the police scanners for my next adventure and head out into the dark knight to battle another villian. Eventually i make it home, rest for a few hours, and start the cycle on repeat. All in all, I dont think my movie would do too well in the theaters, however, it might draw some attention at Sundance.
The soundtrack would begin to the tune of a combination of boring gossip talk and the seldom oldies classic songs that fill up time in between rants and rave. The camera would then pan across my queen size bed capturing me hitting the snooze for just a little bit longer. Eventually I arise from my slumber and engage myself in a bowl of Smart Start, hoping one day that it will actually work. Maybe i should switch to Peanut Butter Crunch, as i heard so many good things. I then return to my room and prepare for the day. It's more work then you think. I have to make my hair look presentable and also remember the last time i wore this shirt and those pants. I eventually settle, grab my car keys, and head out the door, water in one hand, frozen din in the other.
Once outside, the camera has more room to captivate overhead helicopter angles of my car traversing through the traffic bound highway into the city. I arrive at my destination. The singular angle of my cubicle doesnt leave much to the imagination of the audience. The camera guy basically stands in one place all day, occasionally moving to follow me to the bathroom or breakroom.
Pointless hours go by of me working at my computer, and when the work day is near an end, there is a slight rise of action when we go outside to play hackey sack and talk about all funny stories from past weekend parties or the ten year older cougar so and so is dating. We all file back inside and slowly dwindle until the workday is over. Progressive rock music blairs on the soundtrack as i head back home.
I eat a dinner i didnt prepare and head down to my room. I slowly put on my black suit and cape and head down my secret passage to the cave i call home. I listen to the police scanners for my next adventure and head out into the dark knight to battle another villian. Eventually i make it home, rest for a few hours, and start the cycle on repeat. All in all, I dont think my movie would do too well in the theaters, however, it might draw some attention at Sundance.
8/4/08
Dinosaur Band
Last weekend i had a crazy 3d adventure and decided to start a dinosaur band. I would be a brontosaurus of course. My long slender body and extremely flexible muscles make eating tasty leaves in weird shaped trees an easy fit. Eric said he wanted to be a pterodactyl and Nikki wasn't sure what she could become. I suggested a stegosaurus or a cuteosaurus. Both work because she has a spike in the back of her hair and she is awfully cute. We would tour the world and sing about modern day dinosaurs living in a modern day world. Naturally our lyrics would allude to our past and the questionable truth about Jurassic Park, but our audience is the kids. They want to hear a breakdown where pterodactyl's scream and brontosaurus' roar and cuteosaurus' sing. We would avoid media hype and mtv and stick to our basic claws. One could quickly go extinct if they were to give into the intentions of the cavemen that run the radio. We havent thought of a name for our pack yet. When the time comes, i'm sure it will evolve. So with a little bit of luck and a lot of hope, we'll become the dinosaur band that everyone hoped for.
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